5 years ago, I was sitting in the back of an Uber going to the gym.
I was scrolling on social media and came across someone who's crushing it - right guy, right space, right time. And I was like 'Damn - I wish that was me.'
I Googled his age, and there it was.
A '90s baby, part of a group that’s younger than me, and someone more successful than I’ll ever be.
I remember that feeling. It sucked.
For me, it was one of jealousy and disappointment that I wasn’t good enough.
But - here is a dirty little secret. A lot of people feel that - you might even feel some of those negative things yourself.
I thought maybe something was wrong with me, but then I spoke to a therapist who told me what my real problem was.
In this article, I want to share what she said and the research that helped me deal with feeling bad about myself.
So you know that feeling of wanting to compare yourself to others? Well, it's called Social Comparison Theory. It's actually hard-wired in us.
There is a really good reason for why we compare. We figure out our own abilities by comparing ourselves to others. From that comparison, we learn how to define ourselves. This helps give us a sense of self.
Unfortunately, we compare EVERYTHING: Our progress, achievements, jobs, and wealth. Everything.
We can't help ourselves, but here's the important part - we actually compare in two different ways.
The first is Upward Comparison.
This is when we compare ourselves to someone we think is better. Used in the right way, looking up gives us hope and inspiration. In a bad way, it creates envy and jealousy.
For me in the back of that Uber - it was also a feeling of shame. I wasn’t able to live up to my potential. I wasn’t good enough and that hurt my ego.
The second way we compare ourselves socially is by Downward Comparison - it’s when we compare ourselves to others who we think are in a lesser position than ourselves.
Used in the right way gives us gratitude, and in a bad way a sense of pity.
But here's where things went wrong…
If we look back over the last 200,000 years that homo sapiens have been around, we never had social media until the 2000s.
Our monkey brains of comparison were not expecting this, and here is how this has got us pretty distorted. Because I don't know about you, but I don't see many failures posted on social media.
So when we scroll through other people’s highlights, we get flooded with constant upward comparisons. Which can lead to envy and disappointment.
But even without social media, my struggle with comparison started before social media.
The truth is, I often felt overshadowed.
I rushed through life's milestones, trying to catch up to people who achieved more and did things sooner and better than I did. And I realised that nervous energy was manifesting in bad ways. I wasn't proud of it and I could see it was rubbing off on other people.
I was with a group of friends on a weekend ski trip we’d been planning for months. I was present, but had my laptop out working on some non-urgent stuff - and this was not the vibe.
One of my friends called me out…
“Dude - Andy. Why are you working?
You’ve got all your people here, and you're stuck in Google Docs.”
I felt behind after reading an article on TechCrunch about someone doing better than me. But he was right. I was a bad hang. That's not who I wanted to be.
So I decided to speak to someone about it…
It was in a small house overlooking a forest and my therapist helped me understand what was going on.
It felt like a confession of weakness, an inability to cope with my anxiety and wanting to catch up.
I asked her...
“Does everybody have this?
I feel like I'm constantly behind in my life.”
She started laughing, and I thought to myself, 'Oh no, is she laughing because of how far behind I am?'
But no, it was deeper than that. She took a big exhale and said,
“Andy, you're the youngest of four kids.
In the first part of your life, your world was literally looking up to people above you and wanting to be like them. Of course, you're going to feel that.
The next step of your journey is to find who you should really be comparing yourself to…”
She left it open like that, like the Riddler from Batman.
And what she meant didn’t hit me until later, because immediately I was thinking - man, maybe she is right. Had my family dynamic played a role in how I felt?
I remember watching my brother learning to ollie his skateboard. Pretty soon, he could jump stuff.
I spent hours learning to ollie myself, denting my shins in the dark beyond disrepair.
When I could FINALLY do one - he’d moved on to kick-flips.
But I'm not the only person in the world with older siblings. Do all the babies get this? Or is it something uniquely messed up about me?
I kept digging into the research and then I found him: Alfred Adler. Considered as the first psychologist who understood the power of community. He found that the order children are born greatly affects their personality.
Here is a visual of how the pieces can fit together between family, parental and sibling subsystems.
I found the research and scrolled down to the common behaviours of the youngest.
And I couldn't believe the words.
“Youngest children may feel like they are always trying to catch up.
Their older siblings are naturally more capable due to their age.”
And I’m like - yeah, my brother is 5 years older than me. No wonder he could do better kick-flips…
And I keep reading.
“Youngest children can develop anxiety as a result of this.”
Holy smokes. Alfred was right.
My family system of being the youngest had led to feelings of being behind. This was a major breakthrough for me.
Why was I only learning this now? Except it didn't answer my question and how to stop doing it.
A short time later I was on the bus reading Jordan Peterson's 12 rules to a good life.
Now Canadians are some of the most polite humans around. I'm happily married to one, and I knew she was Canadian when I first stepped on her feet and she said, "I’m sorry." But this Canadian's different. Jordan Peterson likes to ruffle feathers.
He challenges lots of cultural narratives, and whether you agree with his theories or not, he understands people.
In his book, there it was: Rule number 4.
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
Ah ha - that's what my therapist meant when she said I should figure out who I should compare myself to!
Me.
But not me-me. Old me.
The 19-year old who was so afraid to open his mouth because he had braces and didn't want anyone to know, to the one who now makes YouTube videos.
And what this journey helped me realise is that we shouldn’t compare our path to anyone else's.
Those constant upward comparisons of social media are not reality. It’s a hall of mirrors that distorts your image of yourself. And while your family systems can define your past, it doesn’t need to define your future.
Because here is the most important thing - If you're on a path of continued growth and self-development, that means every day, you're a better version of yourself.
The person you are today can be the best person you've ever been.
For me, I get a sense of gratitude to my older self for striving to do better. And thankful for who I have grown to be. And inspired about who I can still become.
So when I’m feeling behind in life - I look back on who I was yesterday.
And comparing myself to that person helps me escape those feelings of envy or jealousy, and feel better about my own journey and how far I’ve come.
But I have to admit. I can still struggle with this - especially when I fail or make big mistakes.
And I had a massive failure in my early 20s that changed the course of my life.
